Make me confused, mock me with praise, let me be used, vary my days.

Subject line care of Company.

Oh my god, Hey Paula on Bravo delivered like freaking DOMINOS - holy FUCKSHIT!

I know for a long while everyone watched American Idol because zOMGZ Simon is so SCANDALOUS! But seriously, here are the two reasons to ever have watched American Idol: Kelly Clarkson and Paula Abdul.

For a minute, I thought it might be some sort of affectation - just, like, she's become a spoiled brat or something, and was an airhead in the first place, and maybe that's why she's kinda slurry and whatever... but some days she is totally articulate and makes complete sense, and then other days she's slurring and crazy and all over the place, and HIGH. It is the best train wreck to watch, ever. It's like watching Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown kiss AT each others' faces, except it's all day long and they have needles stuck in their arms.

Here's my favorite moment in watching Hey Paula:
Paula: I'm not tired. I have insomnia. I haven't slept more than, 45 minutes to an hour and 15 minutes in the past 6 days. It's kinda scary.
Me: CRACK! IT'S CRACK! I KNEW IT! Wait... maybe cocaine.

Also one of the most awesome things about it? Nearly half of the episode is closed captioned, and it's actually twofold: first, as you would imagine, Paula is extremely difficult to understand at times (and, in fact, that poor stenographer who had to decypher her). Second, especially when she's high, lots of people around her start talking really quiet, as if she's their alcoholic father who just might bring a belt buckle down on them if they tell her that, no, they don't have a little extra cash on them to buy her a vanilla Chai latte at Starbucks. When they have some technical difficulties during a recorded interview, her manager is all, "she's always so calm!" And it's like, dude - you KNOW she is RIPPED out of her HEAD. Watching her chortle, literally ON THE FLOOR, at a fragrance development place, with two handfuls of test strips in her hands smelling them? It's a mix of hilarity and tragedy that made me actually think to myself, "oh my god, Paula Abdul is a human... and I am a human... and that makes me feel deep shame, that we are of the same species."

Finally, for the win? Tim Gunn. Not only Tim Gunn - not that the fabulousness of Tim Gunn isn't the best thing on Earth in and of itself - but Tim Gunn STALLING for Paula Abdul.